The appointment of a ******* football manager

A dream or a nightmare?

The following application has been received.

I would like to be considered for the position of manager of **** *** ****** and would respectfully draw your attention to the following points in support of my application.

My experience in the Premiership has been gained quickly by not spending more than a year or two at a club before moving on to fresh challenges. No time to get stale, no ******* about!

It has enabled me to translate and yell 'Get rid of the ******* ball!' in more than a dozen languages - a simple instruction which has been greatly appreciated, particularly by the players for whom English is not a first language.

I have always placed great emphasis on the ability to get the ball forward quickly. So it's one big hoof into the opponents' half, preferably into their penalty area and even occasionally into their goal! No wasting time with pretty passing like ******* Barcelona! Leave the pretty stuff for the testimonial games.

My gum-chewing technique has been learnt from close observation of S** A*** F******* and has been found helpful in relaxing the tension when the team goes 5-0 down in the first half. No, I never watch myself on television so I don't see and I don't care how disgusting it looks!

I am a strong supporter of the conventions. What is said and done in the changing-room stays in the changing-room. Except of course when it appears in my book! And this would be a good opportunity to mention the unfortunate publicity regarding a young lady who was allegedly receiving my attentions. She referred to being on the game which at the time I thought referred to my interest in football.

As a parent myself, I believe I have the skills to cope with the immature behaviour sometimes associated with the modern player. What I would say is get it out of your system on the pitch. A crunching tackle or two during the game and then you won't need to repeat it later in the clubs.

I hope I can assume that the usual support staff will be available at the club: padre, parking atendant, pastoral guidance officer, personal trainer, pharmacist, physiotherapist, physician, psychologist, publicist, and that's just the p's.

I presume that the importance of the position would be rewarded by a substantial salary and bonuses, a chauffeured limousine for my exclusive use, free medical care, an appropriate personal pension, and a contract not inferior to that of S** A**** F*******. The precise details will of course be negotiated by my agent.

Further details may be obtained from my ghosted autobiography 'On the touchline' which is to be published shortly.

Thank you for your application. Unfortunately on this occasion we are unable to offer you a position with our club. May we respectfully suggest that you may find that employment with FIFA is more appropriate to your talents.